Thursday, July 02, 2009

Baby Class Update

My sister Julie wanted an update about how baby class is going and all I have to say is I have seen too many breasts and vaja jays for my comfort. I keep hearing about how beautiful the birth of a child is and I want to know if these are the same people who enjoy crime scene photos. With TV shows like Baby Day and whatever else TLC shows, they usually blur out the lower region and truthfully that's fine with me. The class on the other hand shows it all. There's screaming, yelling, and a blood covered body sliding out of another person. It's like Alien, but with less death and toxic spit.

Coming from the TV world I sit in this class thinking how did the production crews get permission from these people to be in there. I had trouble getting people to talk about gas prices and these guys have a camera two feet away from the action. I can't get a digital camera two feet near The Wife before she starts freaking out. Yet after watching the carnage in the video The Wife leans over EVERY time and says that she wants to have the baby now. My reaction is why isn't this the 50s, I get to sit in a waiting room with 5 other dads and then the nurse comes out and says it's a boy. I get all excited and hand out cigars. I'm guessing it's going to be different when it's my kid, but freaking a man, do they need two solid weeks of showing me the delivery?

There has be one conversation I did giggle at for a few moments... episiotomies. This is where the doctors snip the region below the birth canal and the rectum. For most people my age, that region is know as the taint. I don't know why this turns me into a 13 year old boy, but it does. The Wife hates when I bring up the episiotomy, because she does not want it done and I giggle like a school boy. There was one point in the class where the instructor talked about rubbing some ointment around this area. The Wife leans over and gives me the best movie reference she has in months. "Can I just spray a little Pam down there?" Look at the above movie clip and you laugh as much as I did in the class.

This past week we had practice with dolls on how to waddle them and how to take their temperature. On the temperature there are two ways to do this, under the arm in rectally. The under the arm one seems pretty easy. Then we learned how to do the other and a collective groan went through the room. The instructor said the baby probably won't enjoy this. Really? The baby doesn't want something shoved into that orifice? I'm glad I'm past that stage and can just do an oral thermometer.

Finally, I felt bad for one guy in the class. We had to answer some questions and his was about warming up a bottle. He started out with the easy answer of running it under the faucet. Then he gave a wrong answer and said microwave. I thought four women in the class were about to get up and club him like a baby seal. He tried to recover by saying he was testing everyone but the damage was done, he's "that father" the one who is going to screw up his kid. To be honest, I would have probably said the same thing and looking around the room there were at least two others that would have said microwave. I'm glad we had the easy question about introducing your pets to the newborn (thank you Shawn, Melissa and magazine article in the doctors waiting area).

Next week will be just as fun, breast feeding and rehearsal for delivery. At least we're done with things coming out of vaginas.

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