Last week we started out five week baby classes at the hospital and already I am learning way too much. First of all there are 12 pregnant ladies in one room, that can't be a good thing. That many hormones have to be some kind of health violation or fire code. Every thing started out OK till I heard the line "Husbands, you are going to learn somethings you may not wanted to know." Trust me, I did not need to hear most of them. Mostly the mucus plug and how it will come out and what it is, also what color it might be. This conversation took a good 20 minutes. At this time I sneak my cell phone out and text Shawn who has been covering a building explosion and wanted to know if he would trade. His answer was no. This is so bad that even though he has gone through this class he does not want to do it again and would rather deal with chaos or a police scene and a newsroom. I'm in trouble here.
We finally get away from that and go to breathing exercises, nothing bad here right? Wrong, I find out that men have kegels. I actually learned about them at an early age, from Night Court. There was an episode where Christine was taking a baby class and she went with everyone from court including Dan. The instructor mentioned kegels and that you need to do them and no one could tell you are doing them. "I'm doing them now... could anyone tell?" Dan raises his hand, looks at his watch and says "For about 20 minutes." Back to the class, we are lying on the floor breathing and the instructor starts at the head and works her way down the body. She gets to the kegels and I lean over and ask The Wife, do I have kegels? That's when I hear, OK guys even you have kegels, what do you think you use when you have a bowel movement. I'm done for the night. I keep thinking about the fact I have kegels.
This week was the one with the video. We watched as this head comes roaring out a small hole. Holy Crap that looks bad! The instructor keeps trying to convince everyone not to use an epidural. Hell, after watching that I want one. This class is suppose to be helpful, instead it driving me even further to the depths of crazy. I'm now terrified about the handling the baby class. Is it too late to return it?