Baby Class

Last week we started out five week baby classes at the hospital and already I am learning way too much. First of all there are 12 pregnant ladies in one room, that can't be a good thing. That many hormones have to be some kind of health violation or fire code. Every thing started out OK till I heard the line "Husbands, you are going to learn somethings you may not wanted to know." Trust me, I did not need to hear most of them. Mostly the mucus plug and how it will come out and what it is, also what color it might be. This conversation took a good 20 minutes. At this time I sneak my cell phone out and text Shawn who has been covering a building explosion and wanted to know if he would trade. His answer was no. This is so bad that even though he has gone through this class he does not want to do it again and would rather deal with chaos or a police scene and a newsroom. I'm in trouble here.

We finally get away from that and go to breathing exercises, nothing bad here right? Wrong, I find out that men have kegels. I actually learned about them at an early age, from Night Court. There was an episode where Christine was taking a baby class and she went with everyone from court including Dan. The instructor mentioned kegels and that you need to do them and no one could tell you are doing them. "I'm doing them now... could anyone tell?" Dan raises his hand, looks at his watch and says "For about 20 minutes." Back to the class, we are lying on the floor breathing and the instructor starts at the head and works her way down the body. She gets to the kegels and I lean over and ask The Wife, do I have kegels? That's when I hear, OK guys even you have kegels, what do you think you use when you have a bowel movement. I'm done for the night. I keep thinking about the fact I have kegels.

This week was the one with the video. We watched as this head comes roaring out a small hole. Holy Crap that looks bad! The instructor keeps trying to convince everyone not to use an epidural. Hell, after watching that I want one. This class is suppose to be helpful, instead it driving me even further to the depths of crazy. I'm now terrified about the handling the baby class. Is it too late to return it?

Pain, Frustration and a Five Minute Meeting

I have seen the seventh level of hell, nor shall I ever want to see if again. It's the straight and narrow from here after. I have found this level not on the ethereal plains, but right here on Earth. It has a sidious name... the unemployment office.

I woke up early and got to the closest office and made it there within 10 minutes of the doors opening. I thought to myself that the line couldn't be that long. What I found in side was a mass of humanity that filled the waiting room and at least one other conference room. I was 100th in line, I know I exaggerate at times, but I was literally the 100th person. I thought it was going to be a long wait, but never did I believe that it would take six hours.

The mass of people there was far ranging from the people you would thing would be at the unemployment office, to people in dress clothes to construction guys that all they needed to hear was "you two, come with me I have a mess of dry wall to put up." I was a hybrid in my jeans and a nice pullover. Then there were the extremely strange people, one guy thought it was a great idea to wear a coat that only said one word "Smokers." Not that bad, it I saw the back with a giant blunt on it. Then he was called into an office for an interview. Another guy had skulls with knives through them all over a jacket.

After listening to all of Bill Simmons podcast, I was three hours into my wait and everyone in the conference room started talking. Most of us came in around the same time and a few of the newer guys (I am in this group) wondered if this is normal. The pro in the group a former mechanic Mack was a hold over from the day before.

he room of people all had the same look, frustration, boredom and lack of hope. Except when someone would pick up a clip board and would start to say a name. All you can do is pray "please say J Dog, please say J Dog." Alas 99 times I was thrown down to the canvass and had to pull myself up. "Maybe next time."

Finally I was called and brought back to a little cubicle where I feared two things:

1. They couldn't help me and I wasted a day.
2. I forgot some paper work and had to come back tomorrow.

fortune smiled on this beleaguered soul and I got an answer. It appears that who ever told me that I could start filing my claims could not read a calender. It starts this weekend not last. There were some other clerical errors that were fixed and I turned in a direct deposit slip so the trip wasn't for not.

Hopefully I will not have to go back to that office. For my sake I hope I can stay away. I do have a plan. Get there round the same time, check in, wait 10 minutes, leave, eat something, sleep and come back three hours later.

Election Fun

When I moved to North Carolina I was hoping to get away from election drama. Well, that has not happened. Even though, the North Carolina primary is one of the last primaries it now is of great importance. Hillary Clinton needs to do well to keep Barack Obama from having a chance of winning out right. So this means I have to cover the candidates and their families. Monday's assignment is covering Bill Clinton in a library. I am not looking forward to this; a small location, secret service, "outside issues" which I am not at liberty to discuss.

The big thing with these assignments is they are a lot of work for not a lot of air time. The event is suppose to start till 6:00pm, yet the set up is at 2:30. I know the event will not start on time and will last probably an hour or more. These press events are like tornado, they roll in and you feel like you've been pulled all over the place and you end up walking around afterwards wondering what just happened. These events are not for the people in the community, most of the people there will have been hand picked and they just want TV cameras to be there so that more people will see it. I think the '04 Presidential election then the '06 Ohio governors race has turned me off of covering elections. I just hope today does not suck .

Yes, This is Where I Grew Up

So I'm editing the mid day webcast like any other day when I get to a story about a duct tape robber. I look at the slug with curiosity and grab the video over to my computer. I start looking at the idiot (that's him to the left) and laughing at how stupid he is. I start trying to find video of the store in the package and I see a name Shamrock Liquors... that sounded familiar and that's when I noticed the street sign in the foreground, 13th street and also a city logo... Ashland.

OH NO! THAT'S ASHLAND, KENTUCKY! I KNOW WHERE THAT STORE IS!

For the people that know me I grew up in the small river town of Ironton, Ohio which is near Huntington, WVa and you guessed it Ashland, Ky. I've even been to that store with Wilson. I had a friend live down the street from there.

The Story goes that Kasey Kazee walked into Shamrock Liquor store with his face covered in duct tape... you know to conceal his identity. The owner of the store hits him with a bat covered in (sweat irony) duct tape while an employee chokes out Mr Kazee.

I start of laughing and then it hits me: Why is it that all the idiots from back home are the ones to make national news, ney INTERNATIONAL NEWS! I am dumb founded and hoped it was just the photos. I was not lucky there, WSAZ interviewed the guy in holding and he, get this, denies being the "Duct Tape Bandit." His reasoning was that during the interview he says "Look at me, do I look like the Duct Tape Bandit baby, I ain't no Duct Tape Bandit, you hear me..." Hello moron they have you with the tape on your face, then a picture with the tape off. You are not going to fool any one, I don't think the Chewbecca defense is even going to help you.

Just once I would love to see a story come from the Tri-State that is good. No more triple homicides, guys burying his daughter in a trash can, and no more duct tape fueled mayhem. I might be asking too much.